just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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