Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
