My sheets look like a crime scene.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
