Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize