why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
