Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
