She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
