I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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