Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
