I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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