the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
