My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
