i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I didn't notice because vodka
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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