This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
