Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
