There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
