I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
