the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
