After last night, I could never be a politician.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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