1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
