I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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