Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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