I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
