Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
