wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
