So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
