she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
