Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
