Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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