She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
