On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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