Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
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We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
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Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize