god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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