I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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