The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
