Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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