I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
