I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Randomize
