My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
