my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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