don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
