I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
