i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
