Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
