Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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