I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
We are two peas in an std pod
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
