so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
