we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
