I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
