She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
