I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i barfeds in our rink
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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