if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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