Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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