I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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