Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
