I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
