i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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