porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
