I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
