i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
